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Boss' Musings:

All  ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

What is a "free" gift?  Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible . . . and I believed them.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists:  They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected the popularity of living.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

Marx's Tomb is a communist plot.

If swimming is good for your figure, what happened to whales?

It's not an optical illusion.  It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?

 

More Boss' Musings:

"You've heard that before you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes? This is true. It's called living."


"Success is not spontaneous combustion. You've got to set yourself on fire."

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts."

"Life is like a train. It's bearing down on you and guess what? It's going to hit you. So you can either start running when it's far off in the distance, or you can pull up a chair, crack open a beer, and just watch it come."

"The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul."

"Tunnel vision is a disease in which perception is restricted by ignorance and distorted by vested interest."

"I'm not in denial. I'm just selective about the reality I choose to accept."

"The world is not a prison house, but a kind of kindergarten, where millions of bewildered infants are trying to spell God with the wrong blocks."

"If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?"

 

To everything there is a risk and a reward.

Now that I know who you are, I know who I am.

This is the same test as last year, but this year the answers are different.

The opposite of a profound truth is usually another profound truth.

When in a confrontational situation, listen completely to the question, and don't answer without first repeating their question to their satisfaction.

John, this is truly profound. from now on, this is my creed. especially the
last line. thanks, Skip Edgley


 
I'm trying to be reading more and worrying less.
> >
 I'm sitting in the yard and admiring mother nature without
being overly concerned about the
 weeds that need to be pulled.
> >
> > I'm spending more time doing for family and friends and less
>time doing things that don't count.
> >
> > Life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to
>endure.
> >
> > I'm taking time to recognize moments that enrich
>and should be cherished.
> >
> > I'm not "saving" much of anything; I use my best stuff to
>celebrate every special event;
> > such as losing a pound, getting something fixed,
> >or seeing some new rose blossoms.
> >
> > I sometimes wear my best clothes to the super market.
>If I look the part
> > I don't have to spend much to impress.
> >
> > I'm not saving my best of anything for special occasions,
> but I enjoy making
> > a lot of routine things into special occasions.
> >
> > "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip.
> > If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing,
>I want to just do it now.
> >
> > I'm wonder what some of my friends would have done had they
>known they wouldn't be
> > here for the tomorrow that we all so lightly take for granted.
> > I think maybe they would have talked more to family
>and friends.
> > They might even have contacted some former friends
>to mend fences.
> > I like to think they would have gone out more for Chinese
> > or for whatever their favorite food was.
> >
> > It's those little things left undone that would make me angry
>if this was my last day. If I knew
> > my hours were limited I would do all sorts of things that
> > I have intended to do "one of these days".
> >
> > I'm trying not to put off, hold back, or save anything that
>might add laughter
> >or luster to the lives of others. And every morning
>when I open my eyes,
> > I tell myself that this day has the potential
>of being very special.
> >Every day, every minute, every second
> > is a gift from God, and I have an obligation not to waste it.
> >
> > Your having received this means there's a good chance that the
>shoe fits.
> >
> > I more than believe in Miracles. I rely on them.
> >
> > Life isn't always the party we hoped for,
>but as long as we're here, lets dance.
> >
> >
> >
More Musings, supplied by friend Pat Smith:

A lecturer was giving a lecture to his students on stress management.
He raised a glass of water and asked the audience,
"How heavy do you think this glass of water is?"
The students' answers ranged from 20g to 500gm.
"It does not matter on the absolute weight. 
It depends on how long you hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, it is OK.
If I hold it for an hour, I will have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance.
It is the exact same weight, but the longer I hold it, 
the heavier it becomes."
"If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, 
we will not be able to carry on, the burden becoming 
increasingly heavier."
"What you have to do is to put the glass down, 
rest for a while before holding it up again."
We have to put down the burden periodically, 
so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on.

So before you return home from work tonight, 
put the burden of work down. Don't carry it back home. 
You can pick it up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you are having now on your shoulders, 
let it down for a moment if you can.

Pick it up again later when you have rested...

Rest and relax.

Life is short, enjoy it!!

Accept that some days you're the pigeon,

and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet,

just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look

good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that

can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing

worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind, at least have the

decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see

that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life

is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the

same time, because then you don't

have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well.

Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird,

so sleep late.

When everything's coming your way,

you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you; the more

you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world,

but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun

to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over;

smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:

some are sharp, some are pretty, some

are dull, some have weird names, and

all are different colors but they all

have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can

enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you

didn't even know you left open.

Have an awesome day, and know that

someone has thought about you today....

Airline Stories

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing and his approach speed was a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

Airline attendants occasionally like to make their in-flight safety announcements a little more entertaining.  These are supposed to be real examples of what has been heard:

1 - From a Southwest airplane - "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane".

2 - Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seatbelt sign off.  Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land . . . it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3 - After landing:  "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.  We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

3 - As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a voice comes over the loudspeaker:  "Whoa, big fella.  WHOA!"

5 - After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:  Please take care when opening the overhead compartments, because after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

6 - From Southwest . . . "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 456 to Albany.   To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.  If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7 - "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

8 - "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9 - "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave your children or spouses."

10 - The last one off the plane has to clean it."

11 - Part of a pilot's welcome message:  "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry . . . unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

12 - On a particularly windy and bumpy American Airlines flight ending with an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced:  "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

13 - Another Attendant:  "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14 - After hammering his airplane into the runway really hard, the First Officer had to stand at the door,  smile,  and say:  "Thanks for flying with us today."   None of the passengers made any remarks until the very last one, who said:  "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15 - After a real crusher of a landing, the Flight Attendant came on with:  "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate, and , once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

16 - A Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:  "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here a US Airways."

17 - And a on a Southwest flight one evening:  "The Captain will be turning down the lights as we prepare for take-off.  This isn't necessary for any safety reasons, but it's been a long day and some of our Flight Attendants don't look quite as lovely as maybe they did this morning."  

 






Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight?  Thanks to a
retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety
PA from Alaska Air Flight Attendants.

In his own words....  "I was flying to San Francisco from
Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety
information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?"
(Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.)  So
once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I
wouldn't forget.  I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."



Before takeoff...


Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco.
If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place.  If you're
not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd
like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft.


The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is ...  The
Flight Attendants.  Please look at one now.


There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings,
and one out the plane's rear end.  If you're seated in one of the exit rows,
please do not store your bags by your feet.  That would be a really bad idea.
Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.  Count the rows
of seats between you and the exit.  In the event that the need arises to
find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did.  We have pretty blinking lights on
the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits.  White ones along the
normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop
down over your head.  You stick it over your nose and mouth like the
flight attendant is doing now.  The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there,
I promise.  If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is
acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask
first.  If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to
decide which one is your favorite.  Help that one "first", and then work your
way down.


In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features of this plane.  I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my
own personal summer.  It makes a very good fan.  It also has pretty
pictures.  Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low
and tight about your waist.  To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle.  To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your
car because you're in an airplane.   HELLO !!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no
smoking in the lavatories.  If we see smoke coming from the lavatories,
we will assume you are on fire and put you out.  This is a free service we
provide.

There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing
exit.  We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me
check what it is ...  Oh here it is; the movie tonight is "Gone with the Wind."

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to
get really dark, really fast.  If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a
good time to reach up and press the yellow button.  The yellow button turns on
your reading light.  Please don't press the orange button unless you
absolutely have to.  The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight.  Thank you for
choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money.  If there's
anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing
ovation, wouldn't you?

After landing...

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport.  Sorry about the
bumpy landing.  It's not the captain's fault.  It's not the co-pilot's fault.
It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.  At no time
in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate.  So please don't
even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens "
______________
 

 

Heard in Court

These are claimed to be from actual transcripts!

Q:  What is your date of birth?

A:  July fifteenth.

Q:  What year?

A:  Every year on July fifteenth.

 

Q:  And at the moment of impact what gear were you in?

A:  Um,  Reeboks and Gucci sweats.

 

Q:  This myasthenia gravis you have, does it affect your memory at all?

A:  Yes.

Q:  And in what way does it affect your memory?

A:  I forget.

Q:  You forget.   Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

 

Q:  How old is your son, the one living with you?

A:  About thirty eight or thirty five, I can't remember.

Q:  And how long has he lived with you?

A:  Forty five years.

 

Q:  And where was the location of this accident?

A:  At approximately milepost 499.

Q:  And where is that?

A:  I guess it's between 498 and 500.

 

Q:  Sir, what is your IQ?

A:  Oh, I see pretty well, I think.

 

Q:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know it until the next morning?

 

Q:  Your youngest son, the twenty-one year old, how old is he?

 

Q:  And were you present when your picture was taken?

 

Q:  She had three children, right?

A:  Yes.

Q:  How many were boys.

A:  None.

Q:  Were there any girls?

 

Q:  You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A:  Yes.

Q:  And these stairs, did they go up also?

 

Q:  How was your first marriage terminated?

A:  By death.

Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?

 

Q:  Can you describe the individual?

A:  He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q:  Was this a male or a female?

 

Q:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A:  No,  I dressed for work.   I have to go to work when I'm done here.

 

Q;  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A:  All of them.

 

Q:  All your responses must be oral, OK?  Now, what school did you go to?

A:  Oral.

 

Q:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A:  The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q:  And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A:  No.

Q:  Did you check for blood pressure?

A:  No.

Q:  Did you check for breathing?

A:  No.

Q:  So then,  isn't possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A:  No.

Q:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A:  Because his brain was in a container on my desk.

Q:  But isn't it possible that the patient could still have been alive nevertheless?

A:  Yes, it's possible.    He could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

 

Observations

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.  When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.  So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.   



We live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.   The reason:  Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. 



My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.



We were at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"   I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"  He smiled and nodded knowingly,  "That's why we ask."




The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged employee of mine, when he asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.  He responded, appalled, "What the heck  are blind people doing driving?"




A customer of ours told the story of a good-bye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company against his will,  due to "downsizing,"   The owner of the company spoke up and said: "This is fun.  We should do this more often."     Everything got very quiet as everyone stared into space like a deer caught in the headlights. 
 



We employ an individual who plugs the power strip back into itself and then she complains that the darn computer has crashed again.


A man  arrived at our dealership to pick up his new car, and told us that he had accidentally locked the keys in the car he was trading in.  He rushed into our service department and borrowed the "burglar" tool we use to get into locked cars with no key.   He worked feverishly to correct his embarrassing mistake and unlock the driver's door.  As our salesperson approached  from the other side, she instinctively tried the door and discovered it was open.   "Hey, it's open!" She said.    "I know," said the man.- - "I already got that side."

It's all in a day's work.

 

It's A Joke, It's A Joke!

63.5% of statistics are made up on the spot (like this one).

100% of co-ed undergraduates are female (duh).

Half of the people you associate with are below average.

One out of three practicing physicians graduated in the bottom third of their medical school class.

The capital of Texas is "T".

Two guys walk into a bar, what should YOU do? (Watch out for that bar and don't walk into it like the last two guys did.)

This fish is swimming along minding his own business, when suddenly there is a concrete wall and he hits it - - -  "Dam" he says.   Should he be told to watch his language?

 

Boss' Profound Points to Ponder

Be quick, but don't hurry!

No matter what happens, someone will find a way to take anything  too seriously.

Take out the fortune, eat the cookie.  Don't eat the cookie and then look for the fortune.

The most powerful force you may ever encounter is gossip.  The best anecdote is a fake one to give back.

There is no compelling reason for daylight savings time.

Never comment on a woman's pregnancy (unless you're positive that she IS pregnant).

Don't expect other people to be thrilled over your birthday.

Everyone is an above-average driver.

Organized protests are intended to annoy.  Annoy them back by giving them NO eye contact.

A person who is polite to you but rude to someone else should be kept at arm's length.

Real friends support you no matter what.  Most "friends" are only friendly acquaintances.   

Real difficulties can usually be coped with.   Imaginary difficulties can't be overcome. 

A single word from or to the right person at the right time can make all the difference.

Loyalty overcomes a multitude of weaknesses.

You miss 100% of the basketball shots you don't take.

The game of life isn't over until you decide it's over.

None of us lives up to the standards we believe in.

Education and training is no substitute for natural ability.

Stop, look, and learn what works and what doesn't work.   Go accordingly.

Can't find the time?   No problem, do it right now!

When something catches your eye, turn on your right turn signal,  pull over, hit the brakes, get out of the car.   NOW get a better look.

YOU are a uniquely and wonderfully gifted person, who knows what to do to make yourself the happiest.   Forget the excuses,  "just do it".

The important things in your life you can figure out for yourself.

Every new idea or discovery has a time, and it will spring into the minds of several people around the world almost simultaneously.

Focus on the instructor, pick up the rhythm, watch them, study them, and soon you'll know what they are going to say before they say it.  (STUDENTS!  This is how you get top grades and "ace" tests in school!)

Words are electric - - people are magnetic.

Happiness is a journey - - not a destination.

A live picture may be worth a thousand words, but an "eye witness" is the worst kind of witness.  A remembered sound is 1000 times more accurate than a remembered picture.

The human mind takes delight in the unexpected.

Always write and speak in PRESENT TENSE.

Engage your listener's imagination - - and yours!

 In decision making, emotion beats intellect every time.

Dig where the gold is.  Hard smart work beats just hard work.


Always give it your best shot.  It takes no more time than not doing your best.

Training an employee is a sound investment.  Advertising, by contrast,  may or may not pay off.


Training is expensive,  not training is really expensive.

Total profit is more important than per-unit profit.

Inventory sold quickly = profit.     Inventory sold slowly = loss.    Pre-sold inventory = the ultimate.

"I have enjoyed talking with you, and thanks for your future business."

Everybody is a kid  inside, trying to have a happy childhood.

What a person DOES tells you more than what the person SAYS.

"Just looking"  customers want to buy, but are trying to convince themselves to do it.   Step 'way back, and watch for them to look up with a question.   Walking away and leaving them alone is an insult.

In any conversation with a customer, steer the conversation to buying, even if that time could be a long way off.    Not asking them to buy is an insult.

Add value of some kind wherever you go.  Make every location a better place because you were there.

Most people can't handle success.  They aren't ready for it and they waste it until it is gone.    Expect it.   Plan for it.  Use it wisely for the rest of your life.

The future can be here any minute.  Get ready.

"Create a Masterpiece" when you do anything.

Use your moments and your days to draw a picture of what you want to see.

Existing isn't living.  Do everything with a flair.

Don't FEAR mistakes - -  don't REPEAT mistakes.

To profit from your mistakes,  you have to do some risky things.

Wild goose chases can be good. . . if you are a wild goose.


When things seen to be going nowhere, re-arrange the furniture.


If someone takes a cheap shot at you . . . just make sure it doesn't shoot you down.


Bloom where you're planted.  It only LOOKS greener over there.


To a cat, you are just warm furniture.

Make handling an unpleasant customer be a learning experience.

A customer's first car was his best one. . . and his present one is far better than the one he is trying to buy from you now.

Where money is involved, honesty, morality, character, and reputation all take a back seat.

Work is work.  Home is home.  Don't mix 'em up.

Work is what you DO - - - not a place you GO to every day.

When you help someone, you invariably help yourself.

Read, watch, listen, discuss.

Old mistakes and a short attention span dooms you to repeat the mistakes over and over and over.

The unknown future can be exciting, fantastic, promising, and intimidating.    Don't screw up your life.  NO ONE knows what the future holds for you.

A really good week will probably be followed by one not so good.  A really bad week will likely be followed by one that's better.

Watch for the recurring element of past successes.

"Branding" is the implantation of associative memories.

Growing old can't be avoided, but growing up can be.    It takes just as much time to grow older stupid as it does to grow older smart.

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